If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
