I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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