i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
