You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dear god my vagina.
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