I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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