what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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