i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
