The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
