I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
