You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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