you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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