Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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