youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
