We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
