If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
