she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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