Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
