We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
