tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
