Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
