i think i have two assholes
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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