The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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