I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
