I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
