She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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