You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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