I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
