I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
