i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
