we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
