dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My vagina is officially offended.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
