i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
