When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
