did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
