i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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