I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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