Just fell off a train. Bad.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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