dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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