i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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