her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
