Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
