capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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