If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
