I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Can I color on your dick again?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
