We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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