pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We have started to decorate penises.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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