her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
