I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
