I think i peed on brittanys purse
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
