If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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