i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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