i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
