my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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