I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
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Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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