Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
