yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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