Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
