I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
