I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
