My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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