She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
