I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
