I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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