I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
