he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
